Valley of the Dolls - Rosemary’s Doute (The Valley S3E1)
Sexy Unique Podcast
Sexy Unique Podcast
4.4 • 3.5K Ratings
🗓️ 3 April 2026
⏱️ 84 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Lara and Carey return to the San Fernando to burn in the blinding light of Brittany’s sparkle, but first they discuss 2026’s (paltry) answer to Scandoval: Amanda and West’s shuncking affair. They enlist one Dorothy O’Donnell to weigh in on the drama and then discuss what Ciara’s next steps should be, America holding Amanda Batula more accountable than the people in the Epstein files, and why Kyle deserves no grace.
Then on the season premiere of ‘The Valley,’ our favorite residents of Hetero Hell check in for another round, this time without Jax. Brittany continues to get her sparkle back with a new rebound man and entering a place of sitcom character psychosis. Mother Doute enters her own post-pregnancy malaise as Luke laments their lack of intimacy as his plans for a future militia are put on hold. Michelle and Jesse continue their non-divorce psychosexual cat and mouse game; Jasmine and her fiancée plan their wedding and Rindom Janet reels from being yelled at by Doute with a baby on her hip. Zack catches up with Tilapia Schwartz who’s in a true Backrooms-style maze of flop as Lala wonders if Luke was her sperm donor. Danny and Nia’s Santa Clarita Horror is complete as they plan for Nia’s co-Sip and See for baby #4 and Doute’s baby Kaia. Any baby-serene at the party is squashed by the arrival of Jesse’s OC girlfriend Lacy, who confronts Michelle with California cheer and barely contained menace. We are so back.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | It's all happening. |
| 0:11.6 | We're so locked in today. |
| 0:13.4 | We're doing meth in the form of just pumping our arms. |
| 0:18.1 | Which is the Lee-St Strasbourg Institute over here. |
| 0:21.2 | The Lee Strasberg Institute of Meth Substitutes, which is just pump your arms as fast as you can before you enter a scene. |
| 0:30.7 | I'm feeling great. Happy April. It's April Fool's Day, but you won't get fooled here. |
| 0:35.9 | Yesterday was April Fool's Day. |
| 1:13.0 | April Fool's. April Fool's, honey. April 2nd. It is April 2nd. We can still celebrate April Fool's. I don't want to. You know what, actually, there were no April Fool's that happened yesterday. I saw a few. Oh, you did. Tilly Norwood said she was being deactivated. She's a fucking idiot. But there's now like a weird thing of like people just are lying and then being like April fools. It's like, no, that's a difference between an April Fool's and just like lying. I'm dating someone now and it's like like the kid from Noah Schnapp. Noah Schnapp, isn't that from, I don't know. |
| 1:14.7 | Stranger Things, the little gay kid. |
| 1:15.4 | I don't know. |
| 1:18.3 | He said he had a boyfriend and he was like, April Fool's. I was like, that's just sad for you. |
| 1:21.5 | No, but I have a theory, working theory that's when there's no April Fool's, like, there's no pranks that unfolded. |
| 1:30.7 | No. |
| 1:31.3 | When there's no April Fool's, culture is in, like, a really bad place. |
| 1:36.0 | War time. |
| 1:36.6 | Because, like, life is a prank. |
| 1:39.7 | True. |
| 1:39.9 | So there can't be any pranks. |
| 1:41.8 | I think, yeah, I think everyone is just so overwhelmed and, like, beaten down that no one can even muster up a lull. |
| 1:51.0 | But I think that you can't even, like, every day a new horror unveils itself that feels like a prank but isn't so that it's taken up all the foolish prank space. |
| 2:03.1 | Therefore, there's no room left for April Fool. |
| 2:05.9 | I was hoping Jojo see what would be like, I was just kidding. |
... |
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