It is April 14, 2026, and the president of the United States, a 79-year-old man whose relationship with Jesus is historically roughly the same relationship that I personally have with CrossFit, logged on to Truth Social on Orthodox Easter and posted an AI image of himself as Jesus Christ, glowing orb in one hand,

healing hand on a sick guy in a hospital bed, bald eagles in the sky, Statue of Liberty, Lincoln Memorial,

like all in the same sky. It was like a mid-jurney fever dream, rendered by a man having a stroke

while yelling America at a laptop. He deleted it.

Then he told reporters it wasn't Jesus. It was, and I quote directly to you, me as a doctor.

Dear listener, it was not him as a doctor. Doctors do not emit light. Doctors do not wear a red sash. The last time I was at the doctor,

she asked me if I'd been drinking more than usual and then charged me to stop Googling to diagnose

myself. At no point did she hover an orb over me. If she had, I probably would have asked

for a different doctor, possibly an exorcist, and absolutely a refund.

But sure, doctor.

Meanwhile, because apparently one catastrophe per new cycle just isn't in the cards for us, guys.

We launched a naval blockade of the Strait of Hormuz that is, and I cannot stress this

enough, not blockading anything, not Jack, nor shit. A U.S. sanctioned Iranian Shadow Fleet oil

tanker sailed straight through, straight through it, three hours in. Like it was just running a

Tuesday afternoon errand. Like it was going to Tarje. Oil is now at $102 a barrel.

The Iranian parliament speaker is posting photos of American gas stations on Twitter.

The British have publicly opted out. They're like, nope, not our monkeys, not our circus.

France is organizing the grown-ups group chat. and by the way, we're not in it.

In Congress, here, you know, domestically, two members resigned for sexual misconduct in the

same fucking afternoon.

One Democrat, one Republican.

This is the fastest bipartisan accountability has moved since Pearl Harbor.

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