Christmas, it's a many-layered cake, isn't it?

At its base, you've got this rich, satisfying history

about one man and his love for all humanity. But resting just above that is the vacation

our bodies and minds crave at the end of the year. Sometimes that's ruined by the next layer,

the extended family. But most of us never think about all that stuff. The cake is all too often

taken for granted. What we do put a lot of thought into is the decorative icing. Collectively,

America currently spends over $465 billion on Yule Tide annually. Yeah, that's billion with a B. Second place,

by the way, Halloween, just

$9 billion. And what do we spend all that money on? Really, and I mean, really bizarre behavior.

We give presents wrapped in that paper that leaves your loved one's hands bespeckled in glitter.

We hang thousands of blinking lights on our gutters while cringing at the thought of the

electric bell.

We buy toe warmers so we don't get frostbite while singing loudly in front of a stranger's

house.

We hang weird, oversized socks, dangerously close to a fire and fill them with odd,

unnecessary gadgets.

We purchase a dead coniferous tree and then prop it up in our living rooms like some vertically embalmed cadaver dressed in tinsel and popcorn with a blinking hat. Also a fire hazard.

And what the hell is eggnog anyway? As for my own family, well, and this is true.

Every Christmas Eve, my wife Dara and I dress in identical red and green striped pajamas,

dawn novelty reindeer horns, sit on the couch with our dogs, hoist glasses of, yes, eggnog,

and watch Dara's absolutely number one favorite Christmas movie,

elf.

...