I've never admitted this publicly, but if I'm going to have a podcast called The Confessional,

maybe I should go first.

When I was married, I had what I now consider to be an emotional affair with a friend.

It lasted a couple months, and it ended before it turned sexual, so to speak, but the

intensity of my desire for this person emotionally and physically was real, and it was torture.

I'd wake up every morning and do that self-talk thing, because I knew it was dangerous, and

so every morning I would swear off the relationship, and I'd say to myself, like, today I will

not text them.

I will not call them.

I will not hang out with them.

But then inevitably, the temptation was too much, and my resolve was not enough, and I would

send them a text or stop by their place, because when I did, it felt good.

Until of course, I felt bad all over again.

I'd only ever had that experience of powerlessness, where my will was not strong enough to keep

me from doing something destructive with exactly one other thing in my life, and that thing

was alcohol.

It was then I realized, I think, all addiction is chemical in some way, because there are

these chemicals that wash over our brains when we indulge in our addictions or compulsions.

Then those neurochemicals start dipping down when we feel bad about having indulged

ourselves again, and when they hit such a low that we feel like shit about ourselves

in our lives, we start to think, you know what would make me feel good again?

And then the whole goddamn thing starts over.

...