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Hour one of the Von Hessler Doctrine begins right now.

I'm your host, Eric Von Hesler.

Surrounded as always by the doctrinairs, Tim Andrews is here,

Autumn Fisher is here, George Clark is here,

and of course, Jared Yamamoto is here, saluting me as he does

every day at this time. At the beginning and end of the show, I give you a nice salute. I get a nice

salute. And by the way, that's not a metaphor for anything. It's just a good old-fashioned salute.

That's right. People have such dirty minds. It's just a good old-fashioned salute. That's right. People have such dirty minds. It's just a good old-fashioned salute.

Welcome back to Autumn Fisher. She's been gone for three months. It's nice to have her.

She's been gone forever. She's been gone forever. Which makes people wonder, make me wonder why do

people even remember you? If you were gone forever, you were never there. But people have been saying, hey, she's been gone forever, and we want her back. Your voice sounds like you were yelling at your kids for a week and a half. No, I just got sick from traveling. Oh, travel sickness. That's the trouble. That's the trouble with vacations. They always come with a little sickness. I tried so hard. Like, I wipe, you know, the airplane down when I sit. Yeah. You know, I wash my head. Don't touch my mucus membranes after I touch anything. Sure. Yeah, it doesn't seem to work. So, you know what, go ahead and just start sitting on dirty airplanes and, you know, don't worry about it. Because it's going to happen anyway. Just lick that tray. Just doing it. Lean in. That's what I say. Defy the universe. Just go right for it. So now we have to think of only impressions of, well, Lindsay Lohan to tear her up, but, you know. Yeah. Lindsay Lohanad. I'll tell you, man.

Lauren Bacall?

Why am I?

Lauren Bacall, but nobody knows who that is anymore.

Wait, what's that lady from?

It's high, boy.

It's caffeinated.

Brenda Vicaro?

No.

I forget.

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