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I feel like I'm taking in water every time I breathe,

especially on the difficult, uphill portions of the hike that leave me a bit winded.

Man, was this a hiking trail or a damn mountain climb?

Had I overestimated my stamina?

I shook my head. No, I'd trained for this.

I had to see this through. My sister, Ruby, had been the athletic one in our family.

My older brother Sage was the smart one, and I was the other one. The one who's second best at everything. Maybe I was the best cook, though. Ruby made a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies. I'd felt adrift as a teenager,

never fitting in, especially not at home. That feeling had faded somewhat as I'd gone through college,

finding my people, and realizing that you couldn't boil a person down to just their achievements. Still, the holidays

were a bit of a challenge. A childhood of feeling inadequate didn't just go away because you made

a few friends in college. I wish I hadn't been so insecure, so wrapped up in my own issues.

I wish I had noticed what was happening to Ruby.

Ruby's suicide came out of nowhere.

It felt like one minute she was sharing photos of a recent trip to Paris with her fiancée,

and the next, we were getting the call that Ruby had

intentionally overdosed on codeine in the bathtub.

She'd fallen unconscious and drowned.

I hadn't known she'd been on pain medication, let alone opioids.

At the funeral, her fiancée had arrived in an unexplained leg cast and stared grimly at the coffin with a strange expression on his face.

Anger? Confusion? I couldn't bring myself to go up to him and ask. I was too absorbed in my own pain to take on some of his.

...