All righty, my little pustules and cysts, welcome back to the Sam Hane Halloween special.

This lesson is the most important of all if you want to live through Halloween and enjoy the candy you've extorted from your neighbors.

That's right, sickos and slimys. I'm going to tell you all

about candy safety. Sam Haines stands in front of a fake living room, speaking into the camera.

Behind him, on a couch, sit my son and ex-wife. Ten minutes ago, a small army of little pumpkin-headed

creatures with bodies made of twisted

vines appeared from the darkness in shrouding the other end of the warehouse.

These three-foot-tall helpers immediately began cleaning up the dead bodies littering the

nearby floor. All the humans had turned into zombies, so as Sam Haines' helpers dragged

them off, they took turns

smashing heads with a sledgehammer, tittering madly with every shattered skull. My gag has been

reapplied, along with the binds around my legs, which I now know are spider webs from the giant

pumpkin spider. I'm in the near corner, along with the old lady and the teenage girl.

While they sit still, I'm bucking with all the energy I have left, screaming against my gag,

trying to get free, because I know what comes next.

You may not know this! Sam Hane tells the camera.

But a whopping 95% of candy given out on Halloween is tampered with.

It's true.

The stats don't lie.

Whether it's a lollipop with a pocket knife inside or a piece of candy with a loaded

bazooka ready to blow your head off, there's no way to tell.

Unless you buy my tape, I'll teach you to spot the AR-15s, nuclear devices, and anthrax hidden in your candy.

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