The Psychology of Resentment: Over-Functioning, Repression, and Repair

Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson

Being Well

Health & Fitness, Education, Self-improvement, Mental Health

4.8 • 2.4K Ratings

🗓️ 6 October 2025

⏱️ 79 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Dr. Rick and Forrest explore the silent killer of relationships: resentment. They discuss resentment as a combination of perceived grievance (“I was wronged”) and helplessness (“and I can’t fix it”), before talking about how over-functioning and control tendencies can lead to resentment in relationships - one person shoulders more of the load while quietly stewing about it. Topics include the role of rumination in keeping resentment alive, the difference between legitimate grievances and toxic rumination, and why resentment can feel protective. Rick shares a step-by-step framework for handling resentment when repair isn’t possible, while Forrest highlights how communication and claiming agency can be powerful antidotes. Key Topics: 00:00: Intro 04:14: Legitimate grievances vs. unhealthy resentment 09:44: How perceptions of injustice and helplessness fuel resentment 20:04: Claiming your agency 34:41: How to work through resentment with others 50:11: How to work through resentment when you can’t work through it with others 1:02:51: Recap Grief and Loss Course: In this four-week online program Rick will help you soothe emotional pain, find perspective and meaning, and hold whatever happened with acceptance and compassion. Learn more at RickHanson.com/loss and use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive a 25% discount. Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors If you have ADHD, or you love someone who does, I’d recommend checking out the podcast ADHD aha! Level up your bedding with Quince. Go to Quince.com/BEINGWELL for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty-five -day returns. Join hundreds of thousands of people who are taking charge of their health. Learn more and join Function at functionhealth.com/BEINGWELL. Listen now to the Life Kit podcast from NPR. Go to Zocdoc.com/BEING to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hello and welcome to being well. I'm Forrest Hanson. If you're new to the show,
0:11.5	thanks for joining us today. And if you've listened to before, welcome back. Today we're going to be
0:15.8	exploring something that I think might be one of the most destructive forces in our relationships, in our lives,
0:23.6	and honestly, in our society more broadly, and that's resentment.
0:27.4	This is one of those topics that's been very personally meaningful for me.
0:30.4	I've had to do a lot of work related to resentment myself, and I think that for all that's been
0:34.9	written and said about this topic, it's still a bit under exploredexplored. So I'm looking forward to this one. To help me figure all of this out, I'm
0:42.8	joined as usual by clinical psychologist Rick Hansen. So, Dad, how are you doing today?
0:47.5	I'm good for us, and I'm really curious why this topic, including the fanfare, you're kind of
0:54.0	putting around it. Yeah, yeah, no,, you're kind of putting around it?
0:55.1	Yeah, yeah, no, I'm definitely kind of dressing it up a little bit in terms of that kind of initial pitch.
1:01.5	Because you think it's important.
1:03.2	Yeah, why so important?
1:04.0	No, I think it's super important.
1:05.6	And I think that resentment is just a time bomb.
1:08.2	It is a ticking clock in the background in our relationships that will slowly
1:12.8	poison them. And most of us don't realize that we're carrying around a lot of resentment until it's
1:18.5	kind of already too late. By the time that you've recognized it, it's already created all kinds of
1:23.7	problems for you. And one of the things that makes resentment so difficult to work with is that it's based on
1:28.4	this underlying feeling of, I'm right.
1:30.4	You know, it's not just I'm angry, it's I'm angry and I'm really right to be angry.
1:34.1	Whoever it is that you're angry at, if you're angry at your partner, your friend, other
	...

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