The ‘love languages’ are popular. Are they real?
Post Reports
The Washington Post
4.4 • 5.1K Ratings
🗓️ 26 January 2024
⏱️ 22 minutes
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Summary
Since the ’90s, couples have turned to the theory of the five “love languages” to help navigate relationship pitfalls. But a new scientific paper suggests that the science behind the idea is shaky.
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If you’ve ever tried to improve communication in a relationship, you may have come across the concept of the five “love languages” — different ways of showing and receiving affection that have helped couples understand each other for decades. The theory comes from a Baptist pastor turned relationship counselor named Gary Chapman, whose 1992 book “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” has been on and off the bestseller list for years.
Now, a group of researchers at the University of Toronto and York University have set out to investigate the scientific underpinnings of the love languages — or lack thereof. They reviewed the theory, and came up with some relationship advice of their own. Richard Sima, who writes the Brain Matters column for The Washington Post, reports on their findings.
Today’s show was produced by Emma Talkoff. It was mixed by Sean Carter. It was edited by Ariel Plotnick, Lucy Perkins, and Maggie Penman.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | A few years ago, I heard about this idea called quote-unquote love languages, and this is totally |
| 0:09.3 | shaped how I see my relationships. |
| 0:12.9 | I know my own love languages, |
| 0:14.9 | which are physical touch and acts of service. |
| 0:17.9 | I know the love languages of the people |
| 0:19.4 | that I'm closest with. |
| 0:20.9 | And this has helped me show up for people and navigate moments of |
| 0:24.4 | misunderstanding. So when I heard that my colleague Richard Sima was |
| 0:28.6 | looking into this, I was excited. |
| 0:32.0 | Richard is a neuroscientist turned science journalist here at the post, and he has been reporting |
| 0:39.7 | on the science behind love languages. |
| 0:42.8 | This idea that we each have one primary way that we give and accept expressions of love |
| 0:50.9 | from a romantic partner, and it's important that you know how to speak your |
| 0:56.1 | partner's preferred language of love. The five languages are words of affirmation such as |
| 1:02.0 | given compliments, given gifts, acts of service is the third |
| 1:06.1 | one, which is like helping your partner with chores or in other ways. The fourth is spending |
| 1:11.7 | quality time together, and the fifth is physical touch such as hugs kisses cuddles and sex |
| 1:19.6 | The concept was introduced 30 years ago by a Baptist pastor turned relationship counselor who wrote a best-selling book about it and the idea of love languages took off. |
| 1:31.0 | The love languages are a really popular way of thinking about love and about how to be a loving partner to someone. |
| 1:38.0 | But, you know, according to the science that is out there. It's probably not true. |
| 1:44.0 | After years of popularity, researchers have weighed in on this theory, |
| 1:51.0 | and they are skeptical. A new paper published this month in this |
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