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Thank you. Thank you.

Stop it.

It's good to see you, and I promise I won't be crying.

Happy Wednesday, everyone.

So last night, Jimmy Kimmel returned to his show.

It gave a self-pitying, tearful, non-apology.

But I got to say, it's nice to see someone crying at Kimmel's show, besides the audience.

Kimmel failed to correct his lie that Charlie Kirk's assassin was a MAGA supporter, but he cited Jesus as inspiration for forgiveness.

True, Jesus forgave his executioners, but Jesus also cast demons into a herd of pigs,

which, as you know, for Jimmy, is still possible.

So should we forgive him for the first time he lied or the second?

Jesus performed a lot of miracles, but I don't think he'll be bringing Kimmel's show back from the dead. Kimmel portrayed himself as a victim, so maybe next time he

does blackface instead of Carl Malone, he should just go as Jesse Smolett.

All right. In other news, failed Trump assassin Ryan Ruth tried to stab himself with a pen after being sentenced in court.

That's two times he tried to kill someone and failed.

Wow, it's like he didn't listen to a word I said, said one woman.

...