If you were the captain of an aircraft carrier, a nuclear 1980s aircraft carrier full of

F-14 Tomcats and helicopters and

at the space shuttles and mtv and cocaine and atom bombs and

chicken tetrazzini and you sailed through a screechy time hole back to

December 6th of 1941, what would you do?

I'll tell you what I wouldn't do.

I wouldn't give much of a damn about Pearl Harbor.

I mean, sure, it's a big deal and I would definitely be struck by the heavy

overtones of popping back in time to precisely this hour. And I'd wonder, aloud, if maybe the time travel thing was instigated by

UFOs or forces beyond my comprehension in order to, see, I don't know, what, play games? I would spend a little bit of time alone in my cabin,

wondering if an advanced civilization that had the power to time travel aircraft carriers

wouldn't also be able to pit F-14s against zeros all day and night in their space bathtubs

far more economically.

I guess I'd run the numbers on that and conclude that if this was some UFO game board, why wouldn't I make it more interesting?

I know a lot of people would want to go right away to kill Hitler, and that certainly would

be on the table, but you should arguably also kill Stalin and

Tojo and Pol Pot and Mao.

And while you're at it, maybe Manson and Byron Dilla Beckwith and Beady Amin too.

Bundy wasn't born until 46, but don't forget Oswald.

Hell, kill Osama bin Laden's dad.

At which point your big nuclear carrier with all of its marvelous technology is like

The Polygulty area of the seas which seems kind of sad

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