It's the Bob and Tom show.

Hey Bob and Tom, this is Donnie Baker, man.

You know, Valentine's Day can be a lot of pressure.

Hell, half the guys here at work get all nervous about it or overspend every year anyways.

Guys, it's a silly game, man, but we have to play it.

It all goes back to eighth grade home act when every chick got that stupid guy-girl pamphlet, man, with rules about how you got to hold your god of Valentine's duty. Whatever, man. It's mostly secret stuff like the Davenchy code. But man, there's no need to start pawning stuff just because your dates demanding roses or a Whitman sampler. I mean, I never got the demand for candy anyways. Just don't make

no sense to me. I mean, one day your chick is asking if her Zubaz make her butt look big. Then the next day, all of a sudden, she's craving little debby's. First thing you gotta do, man, is plan ahead. I bet you 50 bucks, you still got fun-sized candy bars in the junk drawer left over from Halloween, just open them up, man. Then cut them into quarters. Then go to the hardware store and buy a handyman assortment of like screws, nuts, and bolts. You don't need that stuff. You just need the container. Dump them out and then put the candy between the dividers. Tell her the candy was like from overseas, special order, and they had to ship it in something to waterproof, and then put some red ribbon around a box to hide the barcode. Red ribbon makes anything look like a Valentine's gift, man. I swear to God, it does. I remember this one year, man, my mom was in tears when one of her boyfriends brought her two pounds of ground chuck, freezer wrapped in red ribbon ribbon he tried to be all smooth about it and

stuff he was like well we'll save the beef for later cause tonight was meant for pork my mom's

knees buckled and stuff i couldn't believe she bought it and she would have never left him if he

didn't already have a wife and four kids of his own i told her he was a liar when he kept saying he

had to coach little league two states away. Anyways, man, Red Ribbon solves any puzzle. Plus, it's cheap, too, man. Hell, they sell it by the yard. I remember this one time I took a couple rolls of police tape from my uncle's squad car. I draped it all around my neighbor's yard. Then I started this big rumor that he was arrested for having sex with animals. He threatened to see me, I mean, not to my face,

but he was arrested for having sex

with animals. He threatened to see me, I mean, not to my face, but he was like, there's

no truth to it, Donnie. And I was like, well, then how come you sleep in the same bed with

a sea cow mitchell? I swear to God, I said it right to his face. Man, to this day, when people

drive by his house, they still slow down in point. Drives them crazy, man. So maybe you're tired of trying to find a right candy. I mean, maybe flowers are the way to go. And there's nothing wrong with paying for nice ones, man. They work. But if you get in a pension, you only have like an hour or two before the date, well, then just pick up a newspaper, turn toward the back where they print the obituaries. I've told you guys before the best place for flowers is funeral homes. Most times you'll still find decent ones out by the dumpster. I'll look at it this way, man. These dead people aren't passing away. They're just passing on the savings to you. That's why they call it to circle of life anyways. I mean, I ain't into Disney movies or nothing, but me and Scotty used to work in a theater and stuff. I remember catching the end of like Bambi or Samboos. And that whole circle of life there really hit home to me, man. I mean, it made me think a little bit. We used to clean up theaters after movies for like four bucks an hour. I used to prank Scotty all the time. Scotty showed up late so he was always stuck with floor duty, so I'd buy a box of rubbers and fill him up halfway with popcorn butter. I swear to God I would, man. I'd flip him on the floor and be like, pick up those Colonel Scotty. I swear to God, man. He couldn't get over people knocking boots to Bamby. That's another thing about Valentine's Day, man. They call it VD for a reason. And it's true, man. I mean, sluts are a lot like those little chocolates, man. They all look good, but sometimes you take a bite and you get that green gilly one. And it's off to the free clinic for penicillin time. So be careful of the ones you pick. And happy Valentine's, man.

I got to go.

I enjoy Valentine's instead of Valentine.

I think I was 26, 27, until I realized it was Valentine.

Hey, hi.

We're in the O'Reilly Auto Part Studios.

It's the Bobbett Top Show.

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