Once upon a time, on the planet E bomb, long before Gunn City and the arrival of earthlings,

before the Tomogatchez and the Crayolas, before the void in the cataclysm, there was a great war

between the police, the ultimate good, the light of the universe, the saints of decency, joy, and love, and the

terrifier, an ancient evil, unknowable and untraceable, the thing that goes bump and grind in the night

and bump and grind in the day.

The war lasted almost a day, but everyone's tummy started to hurt,

so it really needed to end so people could go home and watch TV.

And the terrifier won.

Elves, men, dwarves, gnomes, all manner of mortal creatures of decent

disposition were forced into slavery, or killed, or eaten, or all three. But just as quickly

as the terrifier won, he vanished, presumably to terrify some other summers.

In his stead, he left the Terrifier's kingdom to his gnarves.

Furry monsters with a gnarled underbite, bulging yellow eyes of bat's nose,

six legs like a mutated tripod with talons on the ends, two arms,

and a penis that acts as a scorpion tail that whispers dark thoughts into their weird little ears.

They did their bests to rule over the orcs, goblinoids, and other nasty creatures who could

finally live the brutal, bloodied life of their dreams.

For years, however, these Nards battled one another for supremacy as they always did,

killed one another, drank, fought, started wars, enslaved that conquered, and did it all over

again. Eventually, even some of the unrulyest of Nards grew tired of the ceaseless fighting.

But it was all they knew.

The terrifier made all these horrendous monsters to do one thing, terrify.

...