You're listening to Comedy Central.

The Oscars are just around the corner.

That magical night when America's finest actors seethed with rage

while British people pretending to be Americans steal

their awards.

And if you're not excited about the Academy Awards, welcome to the club.

They suck!

For years, the Oscars broadcast has drawn fewer people than the strip aerobics class

I teach.

It's exercise, and it helps me unlock my sensuality.

So this year, the producers are trying to get us watching again

in ways that range from the idiotic to the insane.

The producers of the Oscars are slimming down the broadcast

in an effort to boost slumping ratings.

Eight awards will now be presented off air, including the Oscars for film editing,

makeup and their hairstyling, and music original score.

The ceremony for those categories will begin an hour before the telecast.

The winners will then be sprinkled into the three-hour broadcast.

The president of the Academy says the changes are necessary for the future success of the Oscars.

You can't cut out the men and women who work behind the scenes.

Without them on stage, the Oscars are just awards for Hollywood's greatest sex criminals.

How sad is it that the Academy has decided that the reason people don't want to watch its award show is that there are too many awards.

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