In our relationship, I'm not even aware of how often I criticize my dear wife

Dina. Sometimes it just flows out very naturally.

And I don't like that.

What can I do?

Well, I'm John Fuller joined by my focus colleagues, Aaron and Greg Smalley, and

Aaron, you're a counselor so how often do you see a

couple where there's a lot of negativity and the person who usually throws that

out there isn't even aware that they're

negative. Mm-hmm all the time. So often when we come from a family of origin

where there's a lot of criticism, I mean oftentimes people don't even realize like it's not okay

and that it hurts and impacts their spouse. I have seen some of the most amazing conversations happen in my office when one spouse is courageous enough to speak up and say,

I want to tell you what this feels like to me.

When you said this, I felt like trash and I felt so not good enough or an important and that is not

how I want to feel.

And many of them are able to go and I know that's not how you think about me,

but when you say that, it just drops the bottom out for me.

And you know, when the other spouse is able to lean in in a safe place, their

heart is more able to connect with the pain. So it's important to you know did I

come from a family of origin, that criticism was relevant, as well

as I find for myself when I am stressed or I'm running at a fast pace and, you know, I'm like, you got to do the next thing I'm on the list that I will have a

propensity to be more critical. So a lot of self-awareness is important. How am I showing up? Am I speaking words of life or words of death?

That is a great way to frame it. And we're going to hear some more ideas about developing good habits for your relationship.

...