The story you're about to enjoy is a factual tale.

Read to you from a fictional location.

We believe.

Oh, Mr. Darling, could you please unlock the human leather-bound book about human leather-bound books?

Our mistest seems to have an allergy to the cologne of the fellow its binding is made from.

Certainly, madam. What a fine and fascinating read he is.

I mean, it is.

Even I am almost compelled toward empathy.

Once you hold the warm fleshy volume in your hands.

The chapter about his will commanding the book to be made from his skin is most humane.

It is quite a sensual experience.

The very definition of a story told from the first person perspective,

I guess we could say he truly is an open book.

Mmm. Do you know the maids have been her giggling whilst they dost the ticklish tone.

Well, I don't want to spoil their fun,

but perhaps it is time for his shave.

Try not to nick the nipple this time perhaps.

Oh sureedly, madam. I'll take the precaution of using a modern blade instead of a straight razor.

Very thoughtful. Welcome, welcome everyone, to the midnight library.

Please do come in and find a cozy spot and warm yourselves by our glowing fireplaces.

Careful, not too close now.

Uh, no, I mean not too close to me.

...