One day I was smoking weed with my roommates the next day I was having a baby. Like I was just like, whew, whatever.

Driving from my house to the hospital seems like an eternity. I am screaming at Garrett.

Why the fuck are there so many water bottles on the floor? You're disgusting!

We're doing a lot of comparing myself to other moms and looking at them and saying, like, God, they make it look so effortless.

Like they've got their hair done and the baby's dressed and not in pajamas.

Why do me and my baby look like shit?

The lesson here is get off Instagram after you have a baby.

And if you are like just killing it, do us a favor.

Keep it to yourself because we cannot handle it.

Pretty much the state of your pubs, I would say, represents the state of your life.

So right.

I don't even have pubs anymore.

They just kind of float into my leg hair.

It's like a Sasquash.

It's like one body of hair.

Exactly.

Wow. I have friends that were

begging the midwife at four weeks and five weeks. Please, why can I fuck my husband? I'm so horny.

Ew. Why are you touching me right now? You have a phone. You have access to free porn.

Okay. As this four o'clock hour comes around or the sun starts to go down you are panicking because you know you're

gonna be up all night i'm in there in the middle of the night bouncing that baby tim is just like

having a slumber in the blankets i just did like a running start and kicked the bed as hard as i could

...