Reckless driver tries to kill my cat and peas on my house.

So I go into John Wick mode.

Wife and I was sitting on our stoop and hanging with the kitten outside after a long day of work, about 8pm.

The kitty is playing in the snow nearby at the edge of our driveway, which connects to the road.

Out of nowhere, a Ford pickup speeds by and swerves into our driveway, narrowly missing

a very scared kitty. A skinny younger guy jumps out at the driver's side and urgently walks

towards the stoop, his back to the road and starts to fiddle with his zipper.

No fricking way, man. He hasn't seen us sitting there, it's dark out, so I shout, hoping that he won't whip it out right there and tinkle at us. I think he might be a friend of our neighbours at first. They're pretty trashy people. I shout, Hey man, who the truck are you? You need to slow the frick down. He just says,

Oh, hey. He continues to unzip, and his pathetic eggplant is spurting dribbles of wee in our

direction. I notice he's swaying awkwardly. Probably drunk, I think. I say, look, mother trucker,

kids live here, you can't just expose yourself and now get the frick

out before I call the cops. Good, call him. I don't care. My wife interjects,

Fine, I don't have anything better to do at the moment. My wife dials the non-emergency

number to the station less than 100 yards down the road and puts it on speaker so that this

guy can hear we aren't bluffing.

Somehow, after a virtual eternity, the guy is finally wrapping up his whiz and holsters his

wizard finger. On the phone, wife is telling the police some guy spit into our driveway,

barely missed our kitten, and is exposing himself while probably intoxicated. He seems unfazed. Good. Tell them that my

plate number is, and he gives us the wrong plate number, slurring the whole time,

standing there defiantly with his belt open and hanging limp in front of him. I walk a few steps

so I can see his real plate number and read it aloud to my wife. At this point, the guy seems to

slowly realize this is really happening, and with his pants unbuckled, he waddles quickly

...