High listeners, this is Ashley Flowers, and I have a story I want to tell you.

A story about a highway that you don't drive, because it drives you.

So gather round and listen close.

Hey there, the name's Lauren, and thanks for tuning in.

This is a story about me.

Listen or discretion advised, this isn't going to be a happy story.

So if you're looking for some wholesome and uplifting content,

then go back to watching videos of dogs and babies on YouTube or whatever,

because you won't find wholesome and uplifting here.

I guess you could call my story a tragedy, but not like a sad romance movie kind of tragedy.

More like one of the old ones.

You know the ones where an audience watches the main character make a terrible decision,

yet she's completely oblivious to how bad she's messing up her life?

Yeah, that's this.

I think they call that tragic irony.

Anyway, life's been tough recently.

Well, no, life's been a huge pile of shit recently, if I'm being honest.

After breaking my way in a skiing accident with no insurance,

I've been practically drained of any savings, which means once again,

I'll have to delay going to college and still work my job at the mall,

where Sharon will be asking why I haven't left yet,

and consequently blame it on my poor attitude and the fact that I don't smile enough.

...