Hello, hello, and welcome. Let's jump right into this because unless you've been hiding under a rock

which in these circumstances might actually be a good thing, you've probably heard that we're on

the brink of World War III and that the entire world is going to end. Likely via a nuclear bomb.

Unless you share this or that post or donate money to some random online link or at the very least

tweet a Ukrainian flag in a fist emoji, basically depending on which millisecond you are surfing the

web, either everyone is dying in Ukraine. Perhaps absolutely nobody is dying in Ukraine. We're all

going to die in Ukraine until Putin dies in Ukraine or Elon Musk turns on the star link, I think,

or something. That's what I learned on Twitter at least. Also breaking news. I'm a Russian spy.

I found out about that on Facebook and you can imagine my surprise because I've never even been to

Russia. I don't speak Russian and I certainly can't read Cyrillic but I can read English and Facebook

posts have made it clear to me that both me, Antigar Carlson and plausibly every single American that

voted for Donald Trump are secretly working for the Kremlin, all of us. And don't even get me started

on the topic of Donald Trump. I mean, how much time do we have today? Okay, so Instagram

informed me that actually this entire war is his fault because Putin is only doing what he is doing

because Trump is not doing what he was doing and my body is not doing, I think. The point is that

President Trump as the obvious commander of us non-Russian-speaking Kremlin operatives somehow made Putin

very happy while he was in office but now Putin is not happy because Trump is not in office and instead

he's on a murderous rampage. But TikTok. That's where the real education about this conflict is

taking place. It was actually there that I learned in back-to-back three-second clips that actually

everybody is already dead. Great stuff. You guys should get on TikTok. The footage across all of these

sites is extremely inspiring. For example, the brave assault from the lone jet fighter in Kiev

who fought off all those Russians in the sky. The Internet has even given him a name, the ghost

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