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Life presents the toughest challenges. Every day you are faced with decisions that test your ability to express who you really want to be in this world.

We're told to keep saying affirmations and keep thinking positively but what do you do when that stuff doesn't work?

Welcome to the overwhelmed brain where you'll learn to make decisions that are right for you so that you can create the life you want now.

Hey, this is Paul Coliani and I want to help you learn the skills that you need to deal with life's challenges in the most emotionally intelligent way.

This show consists of my personal opinions and is meant for informational purposes only and I think this is going to be an informational show at least for those who need the information that I'm going to talk about today which has to do with what I call a pretender which shares a lot in common very lot in common with people pleasing.

The pretender is someone that goes around in life pretending things that they don't necessarily think or feel they're pretending to think and feel something else so they'll present to you a false image of themselves or false wording of how they feel, false expression of how they feel.

And when they do that you don't know who you're dealing with and I'm not necessarily talking about manipulative people not intentionally manipulative I'm not talking about those who are purposefully lying to you although they could.

I used to be that kind of person that would be a huge people pleaser and would have no problem lying to you just to make you think everything was okay.

So it wasn't like a malicious lie wasn't me trying to deceive you but it was me trying to see you back then but with the result that favored my ego as opposed to mistreating you just respecting you it was something that favored me it favored my ego it favored how I felt about myself and if others felt good about me if they saw me in a good light.

Then I would feel good about myself and that would help me move on and I think a lot of people feel that way if other people see them in a good light it feels good.

But when you're a people pleaser or a pretender like I'm talking about in this episode we tend to go a little too far so that's what I want to talk about today and I'm going to read you an email that has to do with this subject more along the lines of people pleasing.

But in the next segment I'm going to read you a list of I don't know 15 or so items that talk about what pretenders are and it's not necessarily to tell you to avoid them or ask you if you relate to them.

It's not necessarily that it's just for informational purposes only in the sense that once you know what they do or you do if you're this person then you can understand that there might be some dysfunction to it.

If there's some dysfunction to it then it's worth looking at and it's worth trying to maybe change aspects of it.

I'm not telling you if this is you I'm not telling you that you have to change I'm just asking you to look inward and ask yourself if you are any of these things if you're a pretender if you're a people pleaser so that you can perhaps consider alternative behavior.

I'm not asking you to get rid of any behavior I'm just asking you to consider alternative behavior if you're one of these things and like I said I'm going to read you what those things are on my list in the next segment but let's just start off with this email and see where we go with this person wrote.

Hello I came across your website recently while trying to find resources to help support my people pleasing spouse I read the plight of the people pleaser which is an article I wrote on the overwhelmed brain calm and it resonated with me you mentioned that about every four years you had a breakdown as a result of holding in resentment and anger.

My husband does exactly that I noticed a four year cycle of holding in then letting it all out he holds on to anger and upset for sometimes up to 10 years and then will blame me for everything wrong in his life I honestly never knew how he was feeling as I thought everything was fine he recently moved out which coincidentally was the four year cycle the breakdown and he told me he finally wants to be selfish for once.

I didn't understand what that meant until reading your posts I don't know how to help my husband open up to me and feel comfortable saying no I don't want him to carry the burden of emotions by himself I desire to share in those emotions and burdens with him I want to know if you have any advice as a former people pleaser that you can recommend for someone who is in love with a people pleaser I wanted to come home and open up to me any advice.

Okay thanks for sharing that and sorry you have to go through this but it sounds like your husband did reach that breaking point that I used to reach every four years in the article I talk about every every four years or so all of that repression of negative energy that I held on to not wanting to show people my upset not wanting to make waves or be confrontational that wears you down.

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