It's the radio segment that claims it just swam across the entire Atlantic Ocean.

But only one part of his body's wet.

What?

Laser Stories.

The segment where we read weird new stories from around the globe,

just like everyone else does, except we have a laser.

And those other turd muffins just don't.

His first laser stories out of California.

The other day, around 6 a.m.

A woman was using an ATM when she just happened to look into the window of her local bank and saw something rather odd,

the bank was closed, but a pair of masked bandits were staring right back at her.

Ah.

Oh! right back at her. Ah. That is when you get your money and run.

Uh, get out of there.

And when I say masked bandits, I don't mean real life crooks.

Oh. Instead, there were two young raccoons running around.

Getting into all kinds of mischief.

Yeah.

Authorities were called to remove the critters,

but the raccoons didn't want to go.

Yeah.

Officials chased them around for 10 minutes while they climbed all over the teller windows

...