A podcast listener named Becky writes in with a level of desperation in her words to ask

this, pessijon, when I first came to Christ, I was obsessed with him, on fire and in love

with him, slowly that started to fade even though I wanted him so badly.

My husband deployed for six months, we had a bad marriage, and it's like I never knew

the Lord at all.

I committed adultery, turned to pornography, began to do drugs and drink alcohol, cut

myself, stopped reading my Bible and stopped praying.

God tested my faith and I failed miserably for those six months.

Over a year of not feeling God's presence at all, I can't even mentally journal or pray

or read my Bible anymore, I can't do it, and nobody understands I feel that if I were

truly saved my sin would have gotten smaller and less desirable as Jesus became more desirable,

but it didn't.

He didn't.

The thing is I know I loved Jesus.

Now all I feel is separation from God, I hardly even feel guilty for the things I did,

if at all.

I'm terrified of God, I'm terrified for my salvation, I want him, I miss him, I need him,

but nobody, nobody understands me.

I want to be saved and I don't think I am, I need help.

Why is my heart so hardened, why doesn't God want me back, can you help me?

Becky, your cry for help is mingled with evidences of hope, like I want to be saved,

and terrors of hopelessness, like I'm getting farther and farther away, like a ship sailing

...