Music Welcome to Snewscast, the podcast designed to help you fall asleep. Find us at snoozecast.com and if you enjoy our show, please share us with a friend. This episode is brought to you by the famous Inspector. Tonight, for our next spooky sleep story, we'll read Fantasmigoria, a narrative poem by Louis Carroll, first published in 1869. A polite ghost drops in after midnight and proceeds to instruct his puzzled host in the finer points of spectral etiquette. Each October we bring back snooze cast spooky story series. Now in its seventh year Our annual run of classics with a candlelit vibe, ghostly, atmospheric, and cozy, rather than truly scary, think creaking floorboards and rye smiles, not jump scares. Best known for Alice's adventures in Wonderland, Carol turns domestic life into mock epic ritual here, mixing puns with parody of Victorian manners. In seven cantoes, the ghost explains everything from haunt house housekeeping to courtly forms of address,

an odd, amiable manual for the afterlife delivered with Carol's playful logic. Let's get cozy. Close your eyes. Relax your body into the softness of your bed. Now, take a few deep breaths. Kenta won the Tristan. One winter night at half past nine, cold, tired and cross, and muddy, I had come home too late to dine, and supper was cigars and wine was waiting in the study. There was a strangeness in the room, and something white and wavy was standing near me in the gloom. I took it for the carpet broom left by that careless lassie. But presently the thing began to shiver and to sneeze, on which I said, come come my man, that's a most inconsiderate plan. Less noise there if you please. I've got a cold the thing replies out there upon the landing. I turned to look in some surprise, and there, before my very eyes, a little ghost was standing. He trembled when he caught my eye and got behind a chair. "'How come you here,' I said, and why? I never saw things so shy. Come out. Don't shiver there.' He said, "'I'd gladly tell you how, and also tell you why, but here he gave a little bow. You're in so bad a temper now, you'd think it all a lie. And as to being in a fright, allow me to remark that ghosts have just as good a right in every way to fear the light as men to fear the dark.

No plea said I, can well excuse such cowardice in you, for ghosts can visit when they choose, whereas we humans can't refuse to grant the interview." He said, A flutter of alarm is not unnatural, is it?

I really feared you meant some harm, But now I see that you are calm, let me explain my visit. Houses are classed, I beg to state, According to the number of ghosts that they accommodate. The tenant merely counts as weight, with calls and other number. This is a one ghost house, and you, when you arrived last summer, may have remarked a specter who was doing all that ghosts can do to welcome the newcomer. In Villas, this is always done, however cheaply rented, for, though of course there's less of fun when there is only room for one, Ghost have to be contented. That Spectre left you on the third since then you've not been haunted. For, as he never sent us word, it was quite by accident we heard that anyone was wanted. A specter has first choice by right in filling up a vacancy, then phantom, goblin, elf, and sprite. If all these fail them, they invite the nicest school that they can see. The specter said the place was low and that you kept bad wine, so as a phantom had to go, and I was first of course, you know. I couldn't well decline. No doubt said I, they settled who was fittest to be sent. It's still to choose a brat like you, to haunt a man of 42, was no great compliment. I'm not so young, sir, he replied, as you might think. The fact is, in caverns by the waterside and other places that I've tried, I've had a lot of practice, but I have never taken yet a strict domestic part, and in my flurry I forget, the five good rules of etiquette we have to know by heart. My sympathies were warming fast towards the little fellow. He was so utterly aghast at having found a man at last and looked so scared and yellow. At least, I said, I'm glad to find, a ghost is not a dumb thing, but prays it down, you'll feel inclined, if like myself you have not dined to take a snack of something. Those certainly you don't appear a thing to offer food to, and then I shall be glad to hear, if you will say them loud and clear, the rules that you allude to. Thanks. You shall hear them by and by. This is a piece of luck. What may I offer you, said I? Well, since you are so kind, I'll try a little bit of duck. One slice, and may I ask you for another drop of gravy? I sat and looked at him in awe, for certainly I never saw a thing so white and wavy. And still he seemed to grow more white, more vapory, and wavier, seen

in the dim and flickering light as he proceeded to recite his maxims of behavior. to his five rules. My first but don, he said, I'm setting you a riddle, is, if your victim be in bed, don't touch the curtains at his head, but take them in the middle. And wave them slowly in and out while drawing them a sunder, and in a minute's time no doubt he'll raise his head and look about with eyes of wrath and wonder. And here you must, on no pretense, make the first observation, wait for the victim to commence, no ghost of any common sense begins a conversation. If he should say, how came you here, the way that you began, sir, in such a case, your course is clear? On the back, my little deer is the appropriate answer. The second tells us what is right in ceremonious calls. First burn a blue or crimson light, a thing I quite forgot tonight. Then scratch the door walls. I said, you visit here no more if you attempt the guy. I'll have no bonfires on my floor, and as for scratching at the door, I'd like to see you try. The third was written to protect the interests of the victim, and tell us as I recollect to treat him with a grave respect and not to contradict him. Perhaps, he said, you first transgress the laws of hospitality, all ghost instinctively detest the man that fails to treat his guest with proper cordiality. If you address a ghost as thing or strike him with a hatchet, he is permitted by the king to drop all formal, parlaying, and then you're sure to catch it. The fourth prohibits trespassing, where other ghosts are quartered, and those convicted of the thing, unless when pardoned by the King. The fifth is one you may prefer that I shall quote entire. The King must be addressed as, Sir, this, from a simple courtier, is all the laws require. But should you wish to do the thing without an outpillightness,, a costume as my goblin king, and always use in answering the phrase, your royal whiteness? I'm getting rather horse, I fear, after so much residing, so if you don't object, my dear, we'll try a glass of bitter beer. I think it looks inviting. Kento 3, skirmishes. And did you really walk, said I, on such a wretched night? I always fancy ghosts could fly, if not exactly in the sky, yet at a fairish height. It's very well said he, for kings to soar above the earth, but phantoms often find that wings, like many other pleasant things, cost more than they are worth. Specters of course are rich, and so can buy them from the elves, but we prefer to keep below their stupid company, you know, for any but themselves. or, though they claim to be exempt from pride, they treat a phantom as something quite beneath contempt, just as no turkey ever dreamt of noticing a bantam. They seemed too proud, said I, to go to houses such as mine. Pray, how did they contrive to know so quickly that the place was low and that I kept bad wine? Inspector Cobald came to you. The little ghost began. Here I broke in, Inspector, who? Inspecting ghost is something new, explain yourself, my man. His name is Cobald," said my guest. One of the Spectre Order. You'll very often see him dressed in a yellow gown, a crimson vest, and a nightcap with a border. He tried the broken business first, but caught a sort of chill. So came to England to be nursed, and here it took the form of thirst, which he complains of still. Port wine, he says, when rich and sound, warms his bones like nectar. And as the inns, where it is found, are his as special hunting ground. We call him the innspector. I bore it, bore it like a man, this agonizing witticism, and nothing could be sweeter than my temper, till the ghosts began some most provoking criticism. Cooks need not be indulged in waste, yet still you'd better teach them. Dishes should have some sort of taste. Pray, why are all the crew it's placed where nobody can reach them? That men of yours will never earn his living as a waiter. Is that queer thing supposed to burn? It's far too dismal a concern to call a moderator. The duck was tender, but the peas were very much too old. And just remember, if you please. The next time you have toasted cheese, don't let them send it cold. find the bread improved, I think, by getting better flour. And have you anything to drink that looks a little less like ink and doesn't quite so sour? Then peering round with curious eyes, he muttered, goodness gracious, and so went on to criticize. Your room's an inconvenient size. It's neither snug nor spacious. That narrow window, I expect, serves but to let the dusk in. But please, said I, to recollect, was fashioned by an architect who pinned his faith on Ruskin. I don't care who he was, sir, or on whom he pinned his faith, constructed by whatever law so poor a job I never saw as I'm a living rath. What a remarkable cigar! How much are they a dozen? I growled no matter what they are, you're getting as familiar as if you were my cousin. Now that's That's thing I will not stand, and so I tell you flat. Uh-huh," said he, were getting grand, taking a bottle in his hand. I'll soon arrange for that. And here he took a careful aim, and Gaeli cried, here goes! I tried to dodge it as it came, but somehow caught it all the same, exactly on my nose. And I remember nothing more that I can clearly fix, till I was sitting on the floor repeating two and five are four, five and two are six. What really passed I never learned, nor guessed I only know that when it last my sense returned. The lamp neglected, dimly burned. The fire was getting low. Through driving-mists I seemed to see a thing that smirked and smiled, and found that he was giving me a lesson in biography as if I were a child. Kantow V. Bikramant Don't they consult the victims, though, I said? They should, by rights, give them a chance, because you know the taste of people differ so, especially in sprites. The phantom shook his head and smiled, consult them not a bit, to be a job to drive one wild, to satisfy one single child. There'd be no end to it. Of course you can't leave children free, said I, to pick and choose, but for a host like me I see that mine host might be heard. Yet here's the proper news. It really wouldn't pay. Folks whims decide if we should stay. We visit by today, and hymns who quit their posts,

or manners trims, we change without delay. But houses must have some old wood. New ones are hard

to trim it. When wings scottings begin to go, in twenty years or so you know. It's just about the limit. It means loosening all the doors, the ghost explained and laughed, drill holes in skirtings, floors by scores, to make a thorough draft. One vent or two may sometimes do, but here we'll want a few." The night mayor sits on those who sup on duck and toasted cheese. He pinches, pokes, and squeezes up. I said it serves them till they cup a groan between their weas. We wrangled over puns and kings, I quoted Johnson's saw. A man said he is not such things. I argued, he with icy stings declared my proofs were straw. Stung I cried, union strength. "'Tis true,' said he with solemn bleakness, in fact as clear as day to view. But onions friend, I warned to you, are certainly a weakness.' Canto VI.

Disconferature. kindness. Kanto VI.

Disconferture.

As one who strives a hill to climb and finds it soon aboard, yet having once begun in time, keeps eyes upon a hot sublime, then tumbles as before.

So I resolve to bring to book a ghost by Logic's art, went reeling round each therefore nook with because in every look, yet failed to make a start. trap quote trap, quote he, Now take a nap. I've seen a fellow's heat in argument grow such a trap. It scorched his very slipper strap, clean off his startled feet. Well, curious, said I, and tibs. As sure that," said he. My name's not Tibbs. It is. It isn't. Tibbets? I— Then you're not. The party meant by me. Down came his fist among the glass. You prince of all the asses, Four miles through mud and rain to pass, To smoke all night and find a lass. I've got to do it. Passes. We flared and cooled. Well put, said he. You've served me, Victual Fine. Excuse my violence, fault was me. We shook. Old turn up top, Quoth he, If some inferior line of sprite should Lear and chuckle, stand. No tricks, be brisk and stout. A handy stick in ready hand, And wrap him smartly understand upon the knuckles out. Then say old ghoul, take proper care, or you'll be taught another unless amusing tune to share. She nodded, dawn was in the air, and vanished like a brother. Kanto 7 Sad Sovenants What's this I pondered? Have I slept? Or can I have been drinking? But soon a gentler feeling cracked. I sat and wept and softly capped an hour or so, like winking. No need for bones to hurry so, if tibes be like to me, he'll not be charmed at half past three to find a phantom at his knee. There may be rose," said he. Since tears could never bring him back, I mixed a glass and sang, farewell, my tea and toast and snack, my pipe, my evening tack. Then yawned and sought the welcome down, dreamed brownie, fetch and fay. For years, no sprite has crossed the town. It's still those kindly words resound. Old turn up top. Good day. Yn yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n y