Hi, I'm Willow Belden and you're listening to Out There, the podcast that explores big questions through intimate stories outdoors.

Imagine coming to fear something you've grown up with your whole life.

What if the places you used to love start to instill panic?

And even worse, what if it all feels like your fault?

On this episode, writer Laura McCaffrey shares a story about the struggle to handle her own life,

and about a traumatizing experience that finally turned things around.

I'll let Laura take it from here.

I drove away from the casino knowing full well that I shouldn't be driving.

I had tried to wake up with five-hour energy shots in Coca-Cola.

My head was buzzing, but I could feel my body slowly crashing.

I hadn't wanted to go to work earlier that day.

I was beyond exhausted. I hadn't slept well

the night before. The last thing I needed to do was go to my radio promotions job and set up for a poorly

attended event at a casino an hour away. I didn't think I was destined for greatness or anything, but I'd hoped for a more

dignified job after graduating from an Ivy League school.

The station minivan I was driving had the radio tuned in to the local alternative station.

I recognized the jock's voice as Dave, someone I'd gone to college with.

I knew he worked there, but hearing him again reminded me that he was more successful than I was.

It became harder to focus on the dark road with Dave's voice in the background.

My arms started to feel like lead and I could barely keep the wheel straight.

I had to pull over.

The road was a narrow two-way highway in northeast San Diego County.

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