Hey deserving listeners, I thought I would answer patron emails.

This first one is about the concept of over-functioner versus under-functioner.

This is a Boanyan therapy concept, family systems therapy concept that I have to talk about and they in the email say,

I'm really interested in your over-functioner under-functioner dynamic in the over-function or under-function or dynamic.

Those parts really stick out to me in your videos when you talk about it.

In your career, have you seen if the over-function or under-function or

under-function or relationship,

can they work? Is it common?

Is it unhealthy by nature?

Is there a way to work through this?

Okay, so let's go in, end of email.

Let's go into it here.

So the way that I can describe it is that all

couples have a dilemma. They want closeness, they want warmth, they want love,

but they also want their independence, they want to voice their own ideas,

even when it's in opposition to what their spouse is saying.

And so sometimes these two forces are in conflict and this is the

central conflict that is at the the foundation of Boanyan theory that we we want to

be close but we also want to be separate at times.

And so when things are going well, then we will flexibly move between those two forces of merging with other people when we're in love and separating from people

when there's tension and when we want to think for ourselves. So let me give it an example. So parents with children, they will often conflict about how to raise their kids.

And so each parent might have a different idea about what to do.

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