Between the Bridges, please welcome to the stage,

the thankfully former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom,

Boris Johnson.

Hello, I know what you're thinking.

Christ, Ian Duncan Smith's back from Turkey.

Wait until you see his veneers.

Hello everyone, I'm sorry I'm late, I was just having a quick game of whiff-waffe,

which is still legal even in Sadiq Khan's London.

It's great to see so many of you here for my book launch.

Of course, with so many people in one room in the south of England,

there is a substantial chance that at least some of you are my illegitimate children.

Fortunately, I have a solution for this.

I have been watching a lot of a television program called Oprah.

And taking my inspiration from her, I've put a paternity test under each one of your

seats. Please just pee in the cup, pro-hided, and hand it to the venue staff. And by the end of the

show, they'll let you know if you need to see me afterwards. But that's not the main point of today's

event. Today is about my new book, Unleashed. And I want to clarify at this stage, it has absolutely

nothing to do with Comedy Unleashed. And I want to clarify at this stage, it has absolutely nothing to do

with comedy unleashed. A group of people you could not accuse of having any unprotected sex

with anyone. The point of my book is that when I was PM, I was leashed. I was a very naughty

puppy. I was chained up. I was drinking from a bowl and eating kibble from

my master Rishi who wouldn't let me have any treats. I wasn't even allowed to have one work

...