Names and some details have been changed in these stories to maintain confidentiality.

Welcome to Back from the Abyss, a place for stories of hope and healing.

I'm Dr. Craig Hecock, your host and resident psychiatrist.

Now, if you didn't yet listen to the previous episode, it's worth stopping right here and listening to It First, as this episode is number two of a two-part exploration of EMDR.

In the first episode of Back from the Abyss, I mentioned my darkest time, early in my career,

after my third patient suicide.

One small but crucial part of my healing was EMDR.

I found out about Josh's death the way I typically find out about suicides, by way of a coroner's

report in my mailbox.

I frantically looked for a date and means of death, and there it was.

He had died of an overdose just hours after I had seen him in my office.

In those first few years after residency, I'd believe that if I worked hard enough, if I was

careful and available enough, I could keep my patients from dying.

Saying that today seems silly and even kind of diluted, but I think I really did believe that.

After Josh's death, I plunged into overdrive, working even harder, checking in obsessively

with my suicidal patients, opening the paper every morning and turning right to the obituaries, holding my

breath as I checked to see if any of the black and white photos was one of my patients.

Only after my second EMDR session did I realize how radically Josh's suicide had altered the way

I perceived the world. I was marinated in fear, but this had become my new normal. I was biking

to work early one morning the day after my second EMDR session, when all of a sudden, all of

reality, everything around me, the bike path, the trees, the sky, the grassy fields stretching out

from both sides of me. Everything just blinked off. Then it came back online in less than

...