Welcome to Back from the Abyss, where we bring you stories of hope and healing, recovery and redemption.

I'm Dr. Craig Hickok, your host and resident psychiatrist.

Names and some details have been changed in these stories to maintain confidentiality.

I do a lot of addiction work in my practice, and I often try to rank in my head which are the hardest addictions to overcome,

with IV opioids usually being at the top.

But then every time I start working with a new patient with an eating disorder,

I'm reminded that there's actually a type of addiction which is even harder to overcome than any drugs or alcohol.

Today we hear Ellie's story, a 30-year battle with bulimia and despair and near death,

and at the end, healing.

Ellie grew up in rural Montana, at first going to school in a one-room schoolhouse, then moving to the in-town school, just as she entered the socially and physically awkward adolescent years.

My parents did finally convince me to go to town for school, and it did change things for the better initially, I think.

I made friends and stuff.

And then suddenly I was surrounded by young women,

girls who were all in different stages of puberty and whatnot.

And again, my body, but more as a, like a sexualized version of

my body became like a priority in that, in that group. I mean, when the girls were always,

like, touching each other, pinching each other.

And I was already super self-conscious and aware of my physical space.

And it was made very clear to me that I did not, I was not a desirable person.

And that I, that my, there were parts of my body that were very, uh,

repulsive or repellent, um, to, to both those girls and, um, some of the boys in the class.

And I, uh, I had already been dabbling a little bit with dieting and stuff.

...