This is an I-Heart podcast.

Guaranteed Human.

Welcome to Stuff to Blow Your Mind, a production of IHeart Radio.

Good evening and happy holidays.

My name is Dr. Anton Jessup, Professor of Monster Studies here at the University.

I'm broadcasting once more from the university basement, where I conduct most of my research these days,

far from the prying eyes of the public, hidden from the shapeless thing that pursues me.

I realize my missives have been infrequent of late.

They may only grow more infrequent till you simply hear from me no more.

Such is life, I imagine, and such is death.

But look at me, waxing morose, when it is Christmas Eve,

and I promised you a meditation on the challenges of conquering Christmas.

Yes, as you're well aware, there are those who attempted it over the centuries.

I think, of course, of the Dinozins of Mars,

who in 1964 abducted Santa Claus

and attempted to install him on the red planet

in order to alter the stoic and militaristic path of their culture.

Santa, of course, returned to our planet, and his counterpart

on the red planet, Vodar Claus, rules there to this day. He weeps, for there are no more

Martian Christmases to conquer. Yes, I'm afraid Drapo's reign lasted only a few days. Much closer to home, but equally distant, we of course

have the conquest of Christmas within the world of the whoos, located within a single speck of dust

somewhere in our world. Yes, you might have forgotten about that little detail, but that's where

...