There once was a woman who lived in a shoe. A size too snug, but what could she do? But that's not where her story ends. Thanks to a little help from her Experian friends, she got her score into much better shape and relocated to a box fresh new place, with room to grow and a mortgage to suit. Now, she lives in a spacious four-bedroom cowboy boots.

Better your Experian credit score to help get mortgage ready.

Experian.

Better your score.

Better your story.

So I don't know why I find this so funny, but almost every day we talk about this,

that on USA Today, there is a winners and losers story about

everything. NBA draft, winners and losers, random baseball game on a Tuesday in June. Who are

the winners and losers from this? There's always a winners and losers story, right?

But not today. No, sir. You will not find a winners and losers story today. But what you will find

is a story about how one situation had only losers. There were only losers that come from this.

And that is headline, there are only losers in the aftermath of Justin Tucker's NFL suspension. Well, no shit.

Find me the winners, please. There are no winners. Like, let's just say this dude is the serial

masturbator that he has portrayed to be that all the people that had to watch this guy jerk off

or whatever the fuck the story was,

they are losers in that, even though this guy is no longer playing with the Baltimore Ravens.

Like, it's still a losing situation for these gals that they had to be, you know, jizzed around by Justin Tucker, right?

Justin Tucker is no longer a kicker for the Ravens.

The Ravens no longer have a kicker there.

Good job.

Hey, I will actually give USA Today credit for this.

They're like, listen, we need a, guys, we really need you to pump out those winners and losers

...