No Kids. No Dogs. No Muzak.
Giles Coren Has No Idea
The Times
4.3 • 1.1K Ratings
🗓️ 13 June 2025
⏱️ 29 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
**Please hold. Giles and Esther will be with you shortly….[muzak]…Press 1 for the podcast. Press 2 for immediate death or press 3 to speak to a bot who will return you to the main menu…**
If there really is no sound more joyful than that of children playing, no wonder the world is so miserable. It is a sound in short supply as children have retreated from playing outdoors to stay indoors on their tech. Former children’s commissioner Baroness Anne Longfield has called for ‘no ball games’ signs to be removed to get children playing outside again. The trouble is, if they go outside who is there to play with apart from a load of killer dogs and some bloodthirsty gangs?
If kids can’t play outside, can you take them to work? Well, best to check first in case you’re turned away at the door as one lady was with her nine-month-old. Should she have been allowed in, or are some places just not meant to be child friendly?
**A new apple app promises to deal with hold music for its users, but Esther doesn’t want it.
Finally, can you schedule your friends? Lily Allen 40, may do this (or she may just have a good sense of humour.) Either way she has given Giles an idea…
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Transcript
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| 0:33.2 | Are those children too noisy in the background or should we just be celebrating the fact that they're playing outside? |
| 0:38.3 | It's hard to tell, isn't it? At least they're happy and joyful. By the end of the day when they're crying and streaming murder and stuff. |
| 0:46.3 | If they just want to go home. |
| 0:48.3 | Then it's just wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, and they're stupid nursery and I think, why don't they fuck off? |
| 0:52.3 | But it's true. the sound of children having a |
| 0:54.3 | nice time should be a joyful thing should be a joyful thing yeah can you hear them because literally |
| 1:01.2 | literally became and you talk about this and how mean adults are trying to stop kids playing and then just |
| 1:06.3 | before we started nil said those children are a bit noisy can you shut the doors and i thought |
| 1:10.0 | fucking hell no here's why we have to have them there. But look, they are a little bit |
| 1:13.8 | irritating, but they are the next generation of podcasters. Podcast listeners. |
| 1:24.6 | And it's Wednesday. And in the papers today, there's news reports of Baroness Longfield |
| 1:29.6 | who says that the signs saying no ball games should be removed because there are a hangover |
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