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For the child to develop into an adult with a healthy psyche, we need to have experienced

emotional mirroring, which means a parent that is capable of reading what we're feeling and mirroring it back through facial expressions,

through tenderness, through touch and gestures that indicate that they know what that we're sad, we're lonely, we're frightened, we're happy, we're curious, whatever state we're in.

The parent can signal that back and make us understand what it is we're feeling.

And that's how we develop the very core of what's called emotional recognition. We know what we're feeling and we know what it's trying

to tell us to do. Then we also need modeling and twin ship. Modeling is a parent that shows

us how to succeed in the world, which is a model for

agency, for achieving a goal. And very often that takes a form of a parent that shows us what it's like to ask for help when we don't know how to accomplish something, a parent that shows us what it's like to be a team player, a parent that shows us what it's like to be resilient

and bounce back from setbacks.

Finally we need a caregiver who's also going to be a kind of a friend, a companion that will, when we go through difficult or when we try

out new tools, will be with us the first time we learn to ride a bike, a parent who will

stand behind us and be that person that helps steady

us.

A friend.

And so those are the three things we need according to Koha.

We need emotional mirroring, which is the most important of the three, but we also

need modeling and twin ship. Even if you had the best parents imaginable, what's called good enough parents in

Winnicott's terms, it's literally enough parents in Winnicott's terms.

...