Well in marriage it's pretty easy to think I'm fine but if she would change or if he would change I'd be happier we'd be better. That isn't really helpful

attitude though. I'm John Fuller along with Greg and Aaron Smalley who lead the

focus marriage team here at the ministry. Tony Newhoff and her husband Carrie shared with

focused president Jim Daly about a time they overcame some desperation in their

marriage and Tony described some helpful mindsets to grab onto when you're in a difficult season.

You offer great advice to marriages and before you split.

One of the things that you mentioned Tony is don't be a victim. I think I

understand that but flesh it out a little for me. I don't think I spoke to a

client who didn't tell me a story about how aggrieved they were by their spouse.

You know that if they would stop doing this, start doing that, it would be so much better.

They talked about it in this

from this victim lens and Carrie mentioned that you know we got into that

dynamic ourselves so I'm speaking about it know, putting my hand up me a

culpa from experience. It's almost like you put these blinding prescription

glasses on that

on your own, you know, all you can see are blurry images. The problem with that victim perspective is that you lose the nuances and the complexity of what's actually going on.

So in the rough years of our marriage when I was I was exhausted and I felt overwhelmed and I was blaming it solely on Carrie I said if

Carrie would stop working these long hours and just pay more attention, you know, then I would feel so much better and we'd be better off and our marriage would be better.

Whereas at the time a counselor helped me see that my exhaustion wasn't just

carry it was also that I was struggling with my mental health I was subclinically depressed at that time. I was also

socially isolated. I was tending to stay superficial in my relationships. So there was a

multifaceted character to what was going on, but with victim lenses you don't see it.

...