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Motherkind

MOMENT | The hidden importance of emotional safety in relationships with Matthew Fray

Motherkind

Zoe Blaskey

Kids & Family, Parenting

4.8864 Ratings

🗓️ 20 February 2023

⏱️ 7 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

This Moment is with Matthew Fray. After Matt’s wife came to him and asked for a divorce, he began a journey of self-reflection to understand what went wrong. He wrote a now-viral article called My wife divorced me, because I left dishes by the sink, and then a best-selling book called This is how your marriage ends. What he learned is incredible. And I think pretty life-changing stuff. He saw that what happens in most relationships, particularly in relationships of good people who really do love each other, is that we engage in a series of small habits and dynamics that over time, erode safety and trust. I hope you find this Moment supportive, and if you want to catch the full episode, click here. COME VISIT MOTHERKIND ON INSTAGRAM INSTAGRAM: @zoeblaskey - come engage with Zoe and our community over on Instagram for inspiration, tips, and sometimes a bit of humour to get us through our day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0

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0:08.1

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0:38.2

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0:46.1

When I was reading the book and diving into your work, I was thinking, you know,

0:49.1

everyone knows if you ask someone, what's important in a marriage? That word intimacy would

0:53.2

come up. Someone would say, well, we have to be intimate.

0:55.6

I think people think that's about physical relationship or how much sense you mean.

0:59.7

I don't think that at all now.

1:01.6

I think intimacy is, can I bring something that's on the inside of me that I might be embarrassed

1:08.0

to say really upset me?

1:09.9

Can I actually bring that to you and can you

1:12.6

hold that for me? And if you can't, I'm going to be slowly edging away. And then the intimacy goes and

1:18.7

then everything else crumbles, doesn't it? And I've had experience of this where, you know,

1:23.6

I've bought things to my husband said, you know, that thing that you said when we were in front of

1:27.0

people the other day?

1:28.5

That made me feel really embarrassed. I felt like you were sort of taking piss out of me and he's done that thing.

1:34.3

Like, we've talked about it since. And I think he gets it because he's done that thing. He's like, what?

1:38.8

That don't be ridiculous. It's like, ah, am I safe to bring my insights to you? Isn't that like the core of a good, lasting,

1:48.1

healthy marriage? Can I bring the stuff that might be embarrassing to me or really vulnerable to me?

...

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