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🗓️ 2 June 2020
⏱️ 27 minutes
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“I held Nate's face as far away from me as I could so that he couldn't hit me. And then with my right hand I tried to destroy him”
Mishka has an MFA in writing, but prefers to live out of his van while touring as a musician. He is a storyteller, a songwriter, and a shipwreck survivor.
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0:00.0 | I wrote this in the first week of April 2020 during a global pandemic. |
0:19.4 | I finally had a really good cry this week. |
0:22.7 | The inciting incident wasn't remarkable. |
0:25.7 | I was just reading over something I wrote years ago when I was still in my parish. |
0:30.5 | It was an essay about Holy Week and before I could even prepare for them, the tears came. |
0:38.0 | At first, I was crying from the grief of a beautiful time in my life that I will never have |
0:43.4 | again. |
0:44.7 | Then I was crying about Holy Week this year being so completely fucked because we're all |
0:48.6 | stuck in our homes. |
0:50.7 | Then I was crying because I wondered was I as present as I could have been during that |
0:55.6 | time in my life? |
0:57.6 | Then I was crying because I realized how similar this feels to when I look at pictures of my |
1:02.8 | children from when they were toddlers. |
1:05.5 | When I wonder if I was too caught up in the exhaustion and challenges of motherhood to |
1:10.8 | have soaked up the magic of it, then I was crying, wondering if I only seemed to appreciate |
1:17.7 | the beauty of my life in retrospect. |
1:20.9 | Then I was crying because I wish I had been a better mother. |
1:23.9 | Then I was crying because my friend Rachel Didey or I miss her. |
1:28.7 | I don't know why grief's delivery system is so inefficient like this. |
1:33.7 | How it seems to drop off all its packages at once no matter when they happen to have |
1:38.0 | been shipped. |
1:39.6 | All I know is that when sadness shows up, it's like it puts its foot in the door and waves |
... |
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