Hello and welcome back to Not So Mali Mormon podcast minisodes.

Today's email comes from Amara, and I'm going to jump right in, but before I do, I want to give a quick content warning that there is discussion of transphobia and suicidal ideation. So listen with caution.

Here we go. I am 42 years old. I was born and raised in the Mormon church in Spanish Fork, Utah,

and was a devout member until I was 29. I served a full-time

mission in Northern California. I was married in the temple, and my wife and I have five beautiful

children. I have always liked to learn and specifically loved learning all the juicy little tidbits

about the church that I could, you know, all the obscure barely taught nuggets.

Unfortunately for me and perhaps others, I listened to the church teachings blindly and accepted

what they taught at face value and never questioned what all the conflicting information meant

until much later in life. Under all of this, I was hiding a secret. I'm transgender. My birth certificate says I'm male, but from before age seven, I always thought I should have been born female. I was taught from as early as I can remember that my body was male because my spirit was male. I never felt it, but as a little kid, especially in the Mormon church,

you are taught to question. taught to never question. I would play dress up with my sisters and

would sneak into my mom's room to try on her pretty clothes. Playing with makeup was always fun.

Then I turned eight and was baptized. I remember being absolutely terrified that I had to

speak to the bishop and that I might not pass the test to show that I was ready to be baptized

because as one of the many primary songs says, I can't wait until I'm eight for then I'll be

baptized. You see, oh, you guys you guys I still remember that I can sing it

obviously because most eight-year-olds aren't really able to understand what is actually going on

the test is easy and next to impossible to fail after my baptism I was no longer allowed to play

dress up with my sisters I remember my mom and dad very carefully

controlled my environment after that point in time. Toys, room decorations, wardrobe, and all other

aspects of my life were made so there was no question in anyone's mind that I was a little boy.

I was forced-fed what I should and shouldn't like. My favorite color has always

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