It's the late show, Pancho with Stephen Colberg.

Folks, you know, I spend most of my time gathering for you

the latest most cutting-edge news stories,

carefully examining the day's CT scan,

then assembling America's cracked medical team

and making precise incisions with the aid of a striker 1588

leproscope in the groundbreaking surgical artistry

that is my monologue.

But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, when I need a little extra cash

to bail out my cock-fighting debts.

I set up a rusty cot under a tarp in Washington Square park

where I apply curious passers-by with bathtub cough syrup

to help dull the pain while I use garden shears

to cut out anything that looks superfluous

and the amateur appendectomy tentative news that is my segment.

Meanwhile!

Age cannot wither nor custom stale.

It's infinite variety.

Meanwhile, never fails.

Meanwhile.

Thanks to a year of home delivery dinners,

the price of chicken wings is going through the roof.

...