If you're running away, if you're hard to get, you must be valuable. I'm going to chase you.

So the follower ends up chasing and we can spend our entire lives in that pattern.

There is a fascinating and strange phenomenon that so many people bring to me over the last 15 years of working with people in their dating lives.

That is that when someone likes them, they feel like they're avoidant.

But when someone is hard to get, they feel anxious and they chase after them.

What is this thing that makes them doubt the people that like them and feel certain about wanting the people that are hard to get?

And it's interesting, isn't it? Because when this happens to people, they suddenly go, I don't know what attachment style I am because it seems like I'm both.

When someone is running away or when I feel like I'm chasing them, I go into anxious attachment.

But when someone turns around to meet me and actually shows that they like me and they want to be there, I go into an avoidant style.

So which am I?

There is a crucial aspect of this phenomenon that once you understand it, will not only allow you to have much more awareness about yourself and where it's coming from,

but might just land you in the healthiest relationship you've ever had.

Okay, so what is happening here?

What is this thing that happens to us when someone's not sure about us?

When we feel like we're chasing them, it feels like there's nothing we want more in the world than this person.

When someone really likes us and wants us, we can find ourselves going,

mmm, I'm not sure.

I want you to consider for a moment the fact that when someone is making you chase, all of your energy is focused on whether you can get that person.

You have one singular mission.

Try to get this person to like me back.

And that mission tends to occupy all of our bandwidth.

It doesn't really allow much space to ask whether this person that we're trying to get is someone we want deep down,

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