you don't know me

a confession i can't take back

i am

the masked speaker

text the 78592 says i straight up did not know how to tie my shoes till i was 23

years old

i only wore i only wore slip on vans my entire life, and I had to have my girlfriend teach me.

She still laughs about it to this day.

Did she do the bunny story, or was it another method?

See, I go around, you know, not the two bunny ears.

I don't know.

Oh, I go through the mouth, so I don't know

what your method is. The good news is it requires zero life skills whatsoever to come on to our

show and tell us your secrets here on the mass speaker. If you just have a basic ability to

string English words together, you already got most of us beat. And we've got a guy who's ready to come clean about something in his life. And he's chosen to use the fake name Julian today. So Julian, welcome to the show, ma'am. Hi, thanks for having me. I appreciate it. Hi. Julian, you sound kind of excited to be here. We love that. Well, I'll say this. I'm excited, but a little nervous, too,

because I've never done anything like this before. Okay. You don't sound like you, so you can be

a little less nervous. Yeah, whoever you are, the voice changer is on. You are the mass speaker.

Whenever you're ready, we want to hear your confession. Okay, very good. So I work for a catering company.

Oh, is your confession that you want to bring us some food?

Because we accept.

We don't even know what it cooks, bro.

I don't care.

...