Ladies and gentlemen of the interwebs, you are looking at a chicken's foot shoot that I'm about to give to my dog while we watch Jimmy Kimmel.

Mbehold? Let's play this video. Everyone get ready to wretch.

Jimmy Kimmel is among the most foul people on earth, but

tied with a great many others.

We miss you so much.

And of course, our first lady, Melania is here.

Look at, so beautiful.

Mrs. Trump, you have a glow like an expectant widow.

You know, Melania's birthday is on Sunday.

That's right. She's planning to celebrate at home,

the same way she always does, looking out a window and whispering,

What have I done?

As you're all aware, Malania is a movie star now.

Her documentary had a score of 10% on Rotten Tomatoes,

which is a website named after her husband's testicles.

And I want to congratulate you, Madam First Lady,

on your huge accomplishment, the world's first motionless

picture. And that, oh, by the way, before we go any further, Melania, this is Donald, Donald,

this is Melania. That was my impression of Jeffrey Epstein.

It's pretty good, right?

Thanks, Chris.

Okay, now, here's the reality.

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