This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedant.

When things go wrong in our relationships,

we often try to change the way our partners behave.

We tell ourselves that if only they would change their ways, we could be happy.

Of course, the problem is, our partners are saying the same thing about us.

Last week, we explored the power of a radically different approach.

Acceptance.

Instead of trying to change our partners,

Clark University psychologist James Cordova says there's growing evidence

that we will end up in much happier relationships if we can accept our partners for who they are.

If you miss that story, you can find it in this podcast feed. It's titled How to Fix Your Marriage,

Part One.

Today, we look at one of the most toxic things we do in intimate relationships.

Changing this behavior is not easy, and the ideas we explore today can be a tough pill to swallow. If the thing that we most want in our relationship is to feel that sense of love and

connection and acceptance for each other, this is my relationship. I have to take responsibility

for what happens in every moment and everything that I do and say matters.

How to become wiser in our relationships.

It's the latest in our Love 2.0 series this week on Hidden Brain. So much of our distress and relationships comes about, not only because we want to change another

person but find ourselves unable to do so, but because we sense that the other person could

change if they wanted to and just isn't trying hard enough. If I feel you can fix a problem

but can't be bothered to do it, surely I'm justified in blaming you.

Psychologist James Cordova has spent many years studying this particular cycle in relationships.

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