Are you clapping for me?

Is it because it's the birthday of my body double, Chris Hemsworth?

Happy Monday, everyone.

Bernie Sanders claimed that Kamala Harris was heavily influenced by wealthy people.

So who were these wealthy people that influenced her? Well, there was Captain Morgan, Sam Adams,

Paul Masson, Robert Mondavi, and of course Bloody Mary.

Illinois governor, J.B. Pritzker, called the Texas Democrats who fled to avoid a vote on redistricting heroes,

prompting the Dems to go into hiding, fearing Pritzker might eat them.

A little play on words there. According to a new study, aging skin is rejuvenated by young blood and bone marrow, which explains why the interns of a certain Congresswoman keep going missing.

Look at that face. missing.

Look at that face.

President Trump said the homeless population in D.C. must move out immediately.

He promised to be careful, though, because some people only look homeless.

Podcaster Jennifer Welts suggested Trump voters should be banned from Mexican, Chinese, and Indian restaurants, as well as gay hairdressers and NBA games.

Meanwhile, everybody agrees her face should be banned from places with good lighting.

Two blind passengers were left behind on a Southwest flight. Well, whose fault is that?

Is it the airline or the blind person who says, I know, I'll travel with another blind person.

In the meantime, the airline offered each woman a $100 travel voucher, or at least that's what they told him it was.

Finally, Kathy Griffin confirmed that she underwent a third facelift.

This just in, it didn't work.

You know, I can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

Oh, no, that's just her navel.

...