You're listening to Song Exploder, where musicians take apart their songs, and piece by piece, tell the story of how they were made.

I'm Rishi Kesh Hirway.

Julian Baker is from Memphis, Tennessee. She released her second album, Turn Out the Lights, in October 2017 on Matador Records.

The New York Times called her music, quote, devastating, and Pitchfork gave the album Best New

Music.

In this episode, Julian tells the story of her song appointments, and how writing it helped

her work through her thoughts around addiction, depression, and relationships.

Julian also takes apart the track over, which was originally written as part of appointments,

but then split off as a separate track.

I'm staying in tonight.

I won't stop you from leaving.

I'm Julian Baker. Do you ever think to say something and then you know that you should not say that thing out loud?

When that happens to me or I know that a thought is irrational, I'll just save it and explore it in a song.

Like I felt an inadequacy and like an imposter syndrome when I would talk to my friends or

when I would be at a party just standing around.

I would just have this bizarre paranoia that like I'm not what any of these people wanted

and I'm disappointing and I'm letting everyone down.

And that recurring thought was I I think, probably the first idea

that cropped up in my brain for the lyrics.

I know that I'm not what you wanted.

I know that I'm not what you wanted.

Am I? Appointments materialized around the weeks in which I was starting to figure out ways to be more proactive about dealing with recovery and mental health, like actually going to therapy and actually taking care of myself.

...