Hello and welcome to the political orphanage, a home for plucky misfits and problem solvers, and sometimes famous Emmy Award-winning

Mustacheos.

I'm your host Andrew Heaton.

The year 2014, the location, the 17th floor of Fox Business.

The temperature?

73 degrees Fahrenheit.

I am a promising television writer working on a show called The Independence,

a prime time show called The Independence.

I write intros and outros for the hosts on the teleprompter.

I seek out new guests, call them up, cajole them to come on the show, then coordinate their cars and

makeup and satellite appearances. I do research for the hosts. I come to the

daily pitch meetings with potential topics they can discuss, and at one point, I'm not making

this up, I had to wrangle a pig on set in Manhattan because the hosts

thought it would be funny to do a segment on pork barrel spending and just have a pig around and I got drafted to wrangle

said pig for the very good reason that I'm from Oklahoma and so presumably had

more agricultural experience than my flaccid East Coast peers.

Two famous Mustachios work on the same floor as me at this time.

Geraldo Rivera, who I know for a fact,

subscribes to a magazine called Island Owner

explicitly for people who own their own Island.

But I don't know him too well. I know better. A man named John Stostle, defeated award-winning investigative journalist, winner of 19 Emmys, a Peabody, five national press awards, and at least one

honorary degree that I know of, probably several.

...