Hello, John. Welcome to the Mender Room.

Ola, bitches.

Ola!

Okay, so a little setup here.

I had been living in my apartment for, I don't know, like six months.

And about a month before this, a new neighbor moved in upstairs.

Some chick from New York and her boyfriend, and

they were kind of rowdy.

They had a lot of police interaction.

And so one night, I'm sleeping, sound asleep, getting good nights, peaceful rest. And I get the loudest bang on my door,

you know, I open the door, and it's this chick, and she hands me a baby and says, hold this,

and then takes off and runs back upstairs. Hold this thing. Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm just like, no kids in my life, and I'm, what the hell am I doing holding the baby?

You know, like three in the morning.

How old are you?

And so at the time, I was like 26.

All right.

But you've never really been around too many children, right?

No. No. not at all. See, that's a weird thing for someone who's not babified yet to be in charge of a baby.

It's one thing for anybody at 3 in the morning.

You know who learns that stuff?

...