4.5 • 11.4K Ratings
🗓️ 6 January 2020
⏱️ 40 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
In this episode...
- Ham vs. peanut butter sandwiches
- Taking yourself too seriously
- Cynicism vs. Skepticism
- Original stand-up material
- How to nap
- Political correctness
- Stupid decisions
- The Me Too movement vs. hugs
- Dating after divorce
- Being on the road
- Significant or insignificant age differences
- A green horse
- Advice to caller Melanie
- Coco the Clown
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Music by: Mondo Cozmo @mondocozmo
Producer: Michael Barrett
Co-producer: Cassie Daniels @mscassiedaniels
Co-producer: Michael Sherman
Production Services: Rabbit Grin Productions rabbitgrinproductions.com
Distributed by: Simplecast
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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0:00.0 | Guys working in a construction site. He's up on the 40th floor. It's lunch time. He goes and he sits on the beam. |
0:06.0 | He opens up his lunch box. Take a take a sandwich out. He opens it up. Look at that. He goes, ah, peanut butter. Fuck. |
0:12.0 | And then he takes it and he throws it down 40 stories. He pulls out another sandwich. He opens it up. Ah, peanut butter. Fuck. |
0:21.0 | He throws it down. He pulls up another sandwich. He opens up his, ah, ham. Ah, ham. And he eats them slowly and enjoys every bite. He's done. |
0:33.0 | Oh, there's one more sandwich. Picks it out. He opens it up. Ah, peanut butter. Fuck. |
0:39.0 | The guy on the floor above him from the beam above goes, hey, fella, you married? He goes, yeah, I'm married. |
0:47.0 | He goes, you think your wife would know what kind of sandwich to make you? And he says, hey, you leave my wife out of this. I made those sandwiches. |
0:57.0 | I love that joke. That made me that that's my humor. I don't know. I loved it. |
1:09.0 | Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to On Qualified with your host on a fast. |
1:21.0 | Are you ready? Hi, it's me, Jeff Garland, Jeffrey Todd Garland. I was born in Chicago, Illinois. |
1:28.0 | At an early age, I found a love for standup, which I then turned into a 37 year career in the entertainment industry. |
1:39.0 | I'm a comedian. I'm a director. I'm a writer. And I'm an actor best known for my roles in the critically acclaimed shows, curbure enthusiasm, the Goldbergs and my countless. |
1:52.0 | Really, it's in the hundred standup specials. You may recognize my voice from the movie Wally, where I was the captain of the ship. |
2:00.0 | And then Toy Story 3 and 4, I was buttercuped the unicorn. I'm just throwing those in. People might be listening going, his voice sounds so familiar. |
2:08.0 | Wally's actually the thing that I'm most proud of in my career. It's amazing. |
2:12.0 | Thank you. The first time I saw anything was that the premiere. And I cried because I couldn't believe I was in something so beautiful. |
2:19.0 | Yeah, Jeffrey Todd Garland. There's my bio. Should I legally change my name to Natalie? Maybe. |
2:25.0 | All right. What a nice place to live. It's really beautiful. And what it makes me do is it reinforces my faith in God because there has to be a higher power in order for light to hit trees like that. |
2:39.0 | Just saying. I love that idea. Do you have a favorite joke? I have two jokes that I love. |
2:45.0 | One's really long and then one is short and has deep meaning to me. Which one involves the sexual encounter? |
2:53.0 | With the horse. Yeah. That's the long one. Right. So by saying sexual encounter, you've already blown the joke. If I was going to do it. You're the one who said the horse. |
3:01.0 | Yeah. Well, the horse is introduced at the beginning of the joke. The sexual encounter is the punch line. No one knows it's a sexual encounter until the end. |
... |
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