You're listening to Song Exploder, where musicians take apart their songs and piece by piece, tell the story of how they were made. I'm Rishikesh, her way.

Janelle Monet is an award-winning musician and actress who released her first record in 2007.

She's been nominated for multiple Grammys and she starred in the Oscar film's Moonlight and Hidden Figures.

In April 2018, she released her third album, Dirty Computer, which includes this song, So Afraid.

In this episode, Janelle Monet takes So Afraid apart to explain how she built it step by step, beginning with a trip to the dentist.

I'm so afraid. I'm what if I lose?

This is Janelle Monet. It was October 13th, 2015. I had a toothache and I was on the way to the dentist.

I had just finished working on a song and I was in a very introspective mood at the time, asking myself questions around my fears, around my anxieties.

And what does it feel like to be afraid of many things, to be afraid of loving myself, to be afraid of forgiving those who have hurt me, being afraid of falling in love, being vulnerable.

But I was dealing with a toothache and it was kicking my ass. And so I had made an appointment. And so I took Advil, got in my car and I'm riding on the highway.

And that is when I had the idea for So Afraid.

Okay, talk about all the things that you're afraid of in this very moment. And whenever I have an idea, I'll pull out my phone and I'll press the voice memo.

I'm afraid that you won't love me. I'm afraid to judge myself. I'm afraid that you look at me, not like the hero.

I'm afraid that you'll tell my family that I'm not who I am. I'm afraid that I can never ever be on Instagram.

I was like, okay, let's get it out. Let's get it out. Let's get it out. What are you afraid of? What are these things that have been holding you back, giving you anxiety? Let's just talk about that.

I'm really loving who I love. What I stand for. I don't really know who I am anymore. What is there to tell me why I feel enough? I'm just so afraid. I'm afraid of everything.

I deal with anxiety, just like a lot of people do. And being so afraid, minute that time, me measuring myself up against the accomplishments of everybody else, you know.

As the rest of the world is moving forward and being successful and me making mistakes and forgiving myself for those mistakes, all those things can be very difficult.

And they still are difficult for me to process. I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid.

What I ended up doing was getting back to the studio and playing it for Nate Wonder, who is my music collaborator and telling him exactly how I wanted the song to go.

So right now you hear Nate Wonder playing the guitar. That's what I wanted to start off with first.

Whenever I'm building a song, I like to start with guitar or piano because I think that great songs are able to be played with just the minimal instrumentation.

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