Hello, I'm Kelly Mantle.

Hello, I'm Kelly Mantle.

Hello, I'm Kelly Mantle.

And this is the Kelly Mantle show.

Won't you come inside, the Kelly Mantle Studio?

Thank you. Do you know I never know where I am, but I always end up where I'm supposed to be?

Isn't that ghastly? The other day, my good Judy, Julia Fox, met me with her friend Mallory at a museum that was masquerading as an art gallery.

We immediately found ourselves at the open bar, where they served as Prosecco in recycled jars.

There was a man playing the harp and a woman

playing violin and a portrait of David Bowie on Mars hung behind them. Mallory was transfixed on a

photograph of Iggy Pop's dick and Julia was bouncing up and down on a poco stick that she had stolen from a hired clown.

And that's when I turned around and found him there,

wearing a cowboy hat over his tarshaled hair.

You don't scare me, you don't scare me, I cried,

to my endoplasmic lover from the other side.

"'And Julia cried, who are you talking to?

"'I don't understand.' "'And I said, don't you see him standing there?

"'He's the ghost of a Texas ladies' man.

"'And then I vomited. Welcome to the Kelly Mantle show.

Won't you come inside the Kelly Mantle studio? Today's guests are wise beyond their years because they were born before we were even here.

One invented that, and the other one's a whore.

And just when you think they're finally going to retire, they stick around and punish us with

...