It's Time to Make Some Adult Decisions! Everything You Need to Know About Differentiation
The Virtual Couch
Tony Overbay LMFT
4.9 • 668 Ratings
🗓️ 2 March 2021
⏱️ 39 minutes
🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS
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Summary
Do you ever find yourself caught up in emotions so fast that you feel like you can’t think logically? Well, the good news is, you’re human! For most of us, we formed much of our internal compass from our family, including both positive and negative traits. One of the keys to living a happier, more purpose-driven life is the ability to separate our feelings from our thoughts and then move toward things that truly matter to YOU! This process is called “differentiation.” Undifferentiated people struggle to separate feelings and thoughts. Still, they often have trouble separating their thoughts and feelings from others as well, and they look to others to define how they think about situations that they find themselves in. So one of the most important things we can do as adults is self-differentiate, or learn, “to have different opinions and values than your family members but be able to stay emotionally connected to them. It means being able to calmly reflect on a conflicted interaction afterward, realizing your own role in it, and then choosing a different response for the future.”
Tony references Karen Koenig’s article “What is self-differentiation and why is it so important?” https://www.karenrkoenig.com/blog/what-is-self-differentiation-and-why-is-it-so-important and he also found information on Dr. Murray Bowen from The Family Systems website https://www.thefsi.com.au/
And Tony mentions two podcasts interviews where he was the guest, first was on Parenting in the Middle, by Kristen Goodman https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/parenting-in-the-middle/id1551041369?i=1000510695615 and The Jones Table hosted by Chelsea Jones https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-jones-table/id1524546561?i=1000510124657
Please subscribe to The Virtual Couch YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/c/TheVirtualCouchPodcast/ and follow The Virtual Couch on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/virtualcouch/ This episode of The Virtual Couch is sponsored by http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch With the continuing “sheltering” rules that are spreading across the country PLEASE do not think that you can’t continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your own mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.Tony's FREE parenting course, “Tips For Parenting Positively Even In the Not So Positive Times” is available NOW. Just go to https://www.tonyoverbay.com/courses-2/ and sign up today. This course will help you understand why it can be so difficult to communicate with and understand your children. You’ll learn how to keep your buttons hidden, how to genuinely give praise that will truly build inner wealth in your child, teen, or even in your adult children, and you’ll learn how to move from being “the punisher” to being someone your children will want to go to when they need help.Tony's new best-selling book "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" is now available on Kindle. https://amzn.to/38mauBoTony Overbay, is the co-author of "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" now available on Amazon https://amzn.to/33fk0U4. The book debuted in the number 1 spot in the Sexual Health Recovery category and remains there as the time of this record. The book has received numerous positive reviews from professionals in the mental health and recovery fields.You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program The Path Back by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs, and podcasts.Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | So I'm pretty sure that I want to get a motorcycle. And I know for some people that might not be a big deal and you may in fact already have a motorcycle or you grew up with the family members riding motorcycles or you may even have had some bad experiences with motorcycles in your life. You may have been involved in a crash or heaven forbid even lost a loved one to a motorcycle accident. Or you might be somebody who hears me say, |
| 0:21.2 | I want to get a motorcycle and you say, hey, it's your life. Knock yourself out. Do what you want to do. Or you might be somebody who when you heard me say that I wanted to get a motorcycle, that your first response was, I know you don't really want one. You're smarter than that. Or you have kids and they'll think that you have a, they'll say, do you have a wife? Don't you think about her? Or do you think she'd |
| 0:40.7 | appreciated it if you get in a You don't really want one. You're smarter than that. Or you have kids and they'll think that you have a, they'll say, do you have a wife? |
| 0:38.6 | Don't you think about her? |
| 0:53.6 | Or do you think she'd appreciate it if you get in a crash? But here's the thing. I really can't pin down exactly why I want one. I just want one. But I don't want a really big truck and I don't want a classic car to fix up. and I really don't want to shoot an automatic weapon and I don't want to spend a week camping in the great outdoors, |
| 0:56.1 | but I do want a new car to fix up and I really don't want to shoot an automatic weapon and I don't want to |
| 0:54.3 | spend a week camping in the great outdoors. But I do want a new mini Cooper. I drive one now and I love how zippy it is and how easy it is to park. And I don't want to shoot an automatic weapon. Not as a political statement. I just really don't want to. And I actually don't mind camping when I have lots of blankets and electricity and lots of food |
| 1:12.4 | in my tent, but I would prefer a hotel with a view of the ocean, going out to eat for every meal |
| 1:16.6 | instead of making my own meals. So teach their own. But how often do you find yourself wanting to |
| 1:21.0 | tell people your opinion or why they shouldn't want a motorcycle or why they should want a camp |
| 1:26.2 | or why they need to try |
| 1:27.9 | shooting an automatic weapon. So sometimes it comes from a really good place. And it might be because |
| 1:32.1 | you really like something so much that you want everybody else to experience what you've experienced. |
| 1:36.9 | But on other occasions, are you telling somebody that they shouldn't get a motorcycle because, |
| 1:41.1 | well, you didn't have a motorcycle or is it simply an impulse that you |
| 1:45.8 | just respond? You tell somebody how you feel or what they need to do just because that's kind of |
| 1:50.2 | what you do. You just respond. I used to work out early in the morning at a local gym. This was a couple |
| 1:54.7 | of years ago pre-pandemic. It was open 24 hours a day. And one of my workout buddies who would also |
| 2:00.0 | be there at 3, 3.34 in the morning |
| 2:02.0 | was a friend named Stacey. And she was a few years older than me and her husband was there at the |
| 2:06.7 | gym as well. And he liked to do cardio consistently on one particular type of machine. And his wife |
| 2:12.2 | like to do various machines. So when I found myself on a particular piece of exercise equipment |
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